Stop Being Ashamed: The 5 Laws of Self-Obsession That Lead to Success

Society tells us that being self-obsessed is a bad thing – that it’s selfish, narcissistic, and even toxic. But what if I told you that self-obsession is actually the secret to winning in life? I’ve built a nine-figure company from scratch, married the man of my dreams, and I’m living the life I always wanted. And I can tell you, every single major win in my life came from being relentlessly self-obsessed. I was obsessed with my growth, my goals, and my future. That obsession is what got me here.

So, here are the five principles of self-obsession that will change how you think about achieving your goals and completely transform your life. But first, let’s get clear on what self-obsession really means. Most people get this completely wrong. According to Merriam-Webster, obsession is a persistent, disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling. And I love that definition because ‘disturbing’ means to worry. So, a persistent worry, a preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling – that’s exactly what you should have when it comes to success. It should be unreasonable to most people that you are successful. But that doesn’t mean you have to be reasonable about your lack of success.

Having this obsession isn’t a bad thing. Despite what society wants us to believe, there’s nothing wrong with being unreasonably preoccupied with your own goals and successes. Obsession is actually at the core of someone’s ability to create something. If more people were obsessed, they wouldn’t just forget they have goals. Imagine if you didn’t forget you were obsessed with getting a six-pack – you wouldn’t start eating candy and think, ‘Oh shoot, I forgot about my six-pack goals.’

Often, people just go through the motions every single day, forgetting who they want to become because they aren’t obsessed. But having this obsession to be successful, to have the life you want, creates a constant drive because no one else is going to do it for you. Another definition I love is an intense, persistent focus or fixation on a person, idea, or a goal that dominates your thoughts and actions. Sign me up for that! The version of you that you want to become should dominate your thoughts and actions. If it doesn’t, what does? Outside influences? People telling you what they want? Society telling you who you should be? Instead, you should have your own obsession about what success looks like for you.

Self-obsession has nothing to do with being selfish. It’s about being focused on your own evolution so you can actually have everything you want. The world needs more people who are obsessed with their own growth, not fewer.

• Self-obsession is not selfish; it’s about focusing on your own growth to achieve your goals.
• Obsessed individuals don’t need external motivation; their vision is enough.
• Confidence is earned by showing up in uncomfortable situations, not by waiting for it.
• Cutting out external noise (like social media) amplifies your focus on what truly matters.
• Extreme clarity about your goals is the foundation of self-obsession and success.

You can’t pour into others if you have nothing to give. I realized how useless I am to my team without my ability to go out and achieve my goals. Just this week, I was able to approve two sponsorships for two different companies that team members asked for donations to. I approved them because I’ve created so much abundance and surplus that I’m in a position to give to others. Nobody asks a broke person to give to their charity because they can’t afford it. People who support charities are those who have created enough excess beyond their own needs.

When I was in college studying social justice, I became overwhelmed by the world’s problems. My solution was to go downtown and feed homeless people. I did this for an entire summer until someone asked, ‘What if you could make a larger impact? Instead of just helping people one by one, what if you could fund projects to help thousands?’ I was shown how to raise money and create charities differently: by having enough money within your business to allocate a portion to causes you care about. I would have likely spent the rest of my life doing one-on-one ‘hand-to-hand combat’ with homeless people, making them feel better for a moment. But could I truly change their lives through just a conversation? Probably not. Could I change their lives by structurally giving them opportunities for housing, skills, and benefits? Certainly.

Being obsessed might sound selfish at first, but it’s only selfish if you don’t eventually convert it to helping others. That’s your responsibility once you’ve figured out this obsession for yourself. If everyone was just a little more obsessed with making their own lives better and being an example for others, the world would be a better place. It would raise the bar and expectations for everyone.

I don’t feel like I need outside motivation to get what I want. My own goals, dreams, and ideas of what I want my future to look like are motivating enough. Being able to raise money, invest in businesses, and help people feel more confident through my presence and experience – that’s what drives me. I have a vision of what I want to achieve and who I want to become. This vision creates the plan for me; it drives everything I do.

Most people wait for motivation from podcasts, books, or someone else to light a fire in them. The obsessed don’t need that; they already have the fire because they know what they want. They have a vision so strong they can’t ignore it. They’re obsessed.

I used to look for motivation in the craziest places, like sports movies. There was one movie I watched over and over about a gymnast with incredible discipline. I thought somehow that would translate into real results in my life, but it never did. The motivation never transferred. Watching that movie dozens of times didn’t give me the motivation I needed for a great life. It doesn’t work like that.

If you want unshakable motivation, you have to build a vision of who you want to become, not who someone else is. You have to choose the right goals for you – the ones that get you excited and ready to take the steps required to become the best version of yourself. My favorite way to do this is through an activity called mission, vision, and core values. If you want the template I use to get laser-focused on who I’m becoming, find me on Instagram @NatalieDawson and message me ‘vision.’ Once you have this, give yourself permission to become so obsessed with this future version of you that it drives you every single day.

Most people have the roadmap to gaining confidence backward. They think that if others are confident, it allows them to do things they can’t currently do. They believe if they had that opportunity, they’d suddenly become confident. It just doesn’t work like that. To become confident, you have to decide what you want and recognize that building confidence comes from showing up in those uncomfortable moments and doing it despite how you feel.

I always wanted to speak on stage with grace and poise. But my current state was someone who didn’t know what they’d even talk about if given the chance. I was terrified of being seen on stage – what would people think? What if I said something dumb? What if I completely froze? I had all these irrational fears. But when I decided I was going to become the person with the skills and confidence to speak on any stage, I had to start putting in the reps. That meant showing up in really small rooms. Every time I was about to go on stage for a panel or a meeting, I’d get nervous and try to cancel. I’d invent reasons why I didn’t want to do it, why it didn’t matter that much, reducing the goal’s importance. Those steps are the goal. Those are the moments you have to lean into, say yes to, and follow through with. If you let yourself down in those moments, you’ll never be ready for the big ones.

There was one time, before I’d ever spoken in front of more than 50 people, when I was given the opportunity to be a panelist in front of 3,000 people. It was last minute, and I wasn’t prepared. My first thought was ‘no.’ I thought, ‘I can’t do this. I’m not ready. What would I say? I don’t look good enough. I’m not smart enough yet.’ I went through all of that. For five minutes, I didn’t respond. Then, after this whole internal debate, I just sent back ‘yes.’ I walked on stage and did what I was supposed to do. Was it the most amazing presentation? Absolutely not. But it built confidence.

So, if you want real confidence, get obsessed. Put in the reps. Say yes to opportunities that feel small and unimportant. That’s how you earn stats, stack wins, and build unshakable self-belief.

I recently started cutting out social media almost entirely. I might check it for five minutes a day just to see messages. I had to step back and realize how much influence social media was having on me. I have a stack of books I’ve put off reading for over a month, and that’s not like me. I’m usually interested in learning new things and don’t waste time on TV or social media. But more recently, I just haven’t been doing the things I know I should be doing to move myself ahead.

So, I asked myself, what does social media give me that would feel like a loss if I gave it up? Staying on top of trends? Being in the know about world events? What new lip gloss was about to drop that I absolutely wanted to buy? How silly is that? If I want to buy lip gloss, I can do that. If I want to be on top of a trend, that seems silly because I know my own style and what I like to buy. Why do I need someone else telling me those things? And getting caught up in anyone else’s life affairs, especially strangers’, seems ridiculous because my own life is interesting, as is yours.

I literally stopped checking my socials, and it’s been a fantastic break. I’m not influenced by anyone else’s thoughts or priorities outside my own. The internet can distract you and connect you to a world that doesn’t actually exist around you. When I drive from my house to my office, it’s just me in the car. But the internet introduces all sorts of interesting ideas and thoughts. The internet is amazing; I wouldn’t be able to talk to you like this without it. But it can also be a rabbit hole of information and things that aren’t important to you. In the worst case, it’s a garbage dump of terrible information constantly inundating you.

If you’re trying to be obsessed with the future you want to build, shutting down this external world that doesn’t exist in your reality – and doesn’t have to impact how you show up physically in your space, at work, with family, at home, at a restaurant – can transform your life. When you shut off that noise, you amplify what you actually want. You get to spend more time with your own thoughts, getting clear on where you want to go, what you see as an opportunity, and assessing what’s working for you versus what isn’t, because you don’t have this distracting noise.

When you’re self-obsessed, you don’t need external validation or direction. You already know what you’re building. You just need to protect your focus.

My dad is a doctor, and growing up, he’d tell me about medical school. The thought of going terrified me because he’d tell gory stories about cadavers and weird things doctors train on. But one thing he told me that I never forgot was when a medical resident said, ‘I want to be a left ear surgeon.’ My dad said that person always became a left ear surgeon. He was making a point: if you are clear about where you are going, you will get there.

The people who are clear they want to be a veterinarian become veterinarians. If you say you want a million-dollar business, you’ll create the conditions in your life to have one. When you’re clear on what you want in life, you can do what’s needed to get there. But if you never know what you want and are always distracted by outside influences – ‘maybe I’ll dabble in this,’ ‘maybe I’ll be interested in that’ – and all your interests are dispersed, you’ll never get results.

When you have clarity, you can be ruthlessly honest with yourself about what’s stopping you from achieving your goals. I find that people with lots of different interests are often people who just don’t want to be held accountable. If I’m hopping around to different things, it’s easy to say, ‘Oh, that’s why I don’t have results because I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to do that.’ Versus going all-in on one thing, taking it incredibly seriously, and saying, ‘This is who I’m going to become.’

When you have that ‘burn the boats’ moment, you don’t have a secondary backup plan. There’s no additional option. You have to become that thing. The more you publicize and tell the world this is who you’re going to be and these are your goals, you pull in people who will support you and naturally rid yourself of distractions. The challenge is, most people are distractions. They don’t know what they want to be; they don’t have clear goals. So, they often fall into this mushy middle.

Stop letting other people’s priorities scatter your focus. Get ruthlessly clear on what you need to do. Only you can decide what those priorities are. If you apply these five principles, you will stop apologizing for being focused on yourself and start winning in life.